Sometimes I wish I was a completely different person. I would wake up and naturally speak a different language, automatically have a different morning routine. I would know the people in wherever I was living, I would carry on with my day in a new life. It’s so strange how you wake up yourself each and every day. Just once it would be nice to be somebody else, even if it was for just a day or an afternoon or a month. And I spend way too much time thinking of how I can become a better person, a happier person, a more successful person. I say to myself maybe if I do this or maybe if I do that I will achieve this status. Making homemade candles did not make me feel like a free spirit, nor did it make me appear creative. People have been doing that for centuries. They didn’t smell good and I spent what felt like days peeling wax off my fingers and countertops. I tried something new and I was still myself. I still continued to feel nothing but rage and doubt. I finally kissed the person that I’ve wanted to kiss for over a year now, and it didn’t make me feel whole like I thought it would. It left me thinking I was in love, but feeling more confused about everything. I’m not certain I’ve ever had a simple day in my life. Perhaps they may have looked simple from the outside, but my mind is thousands of different screams that are trapped. I bang my head on the sidewalk outside of his house, but nothing ever leaves my head except a few tears and shrills. I’m not meant to have fireworks in my mind, I’m supposed to have a garden with a river flowing ideas and pleasant thoughts to all the dark corners. I wonder if I woke up as somebody else if all of this would go away, even if it was just for a day or an afternoon or a month.
2am scribbles (One paragraph from a 22 page google document)…cory u.p.